Bent, broken & weakened.
I absolutely hate where I am in this moment of life. How does a night go from being so great to plummeting to the depths of misery & hate? I have been going thru the same thing with my parents for as long as I can recall. Always had the earliest curfew, can't hang with boys, too much going out, 'taking advantage'... the list goes on for days.
Am I really that bad of a person? Have I become the worst 'daughter'? I work, I go to school, I'm the director of hifi, I head *groove [which is coming up on 3 yrs!!], I try to help, I excell in all I do... so where have I gone wrong? Its because I want to go out with friends, it because I come home 30mins later than I say I'll be home, I want to stay out later than 12am, I have rehearsal or go to the gym till 1130 & that's too damn late! Honestly... I guess to them I am a bad child.
It seems like with every 5 achievements they only see the 1 fault I have. & I go out to simply reward myself because I have worked so hard in life! I don't ask them for anything, I for the most part pay my own way... its times like this I regret not moving out to SD. So much more freedom. I am a free spirit & I need to be free & with no boundaries.
Sdhjfjkldshjgleruiyhbdn!!
Yup. Life officially sucks right now & that's the first time I'm gonna say it. =/ there's a lot of thinking that needs to be done at this time....
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Sunday, November 23, 2008
insecurities.
we all have them. shoot i had them! but we need to learn to work on them. because when it all comes down to it... its about looking from within. work on the relationship that you've been in with the longest. the relationship with yourself. its the relationship that we all neglect & sometimes needs the most work. once you are at peace with yourself, you can finally rise above your insecurities. its all state of mind & also the worry of what people think. society sucks, people suck & the world is very unforgiving... but its on you to know that you are bigger & better. live above the influence. all of them.
insecurities find the best of us & get instilled in the strongest mind set. but find the strength to overcome them. trust me, life is lived better without them.
& also, never apologize for another person's insecurities. its up to them to figure it out. & the problem is not you but its theirs. we all get attacked by a weak mind & dumb down by the people who are full of insecurities but if you are comfortable enough with yourself... it won't phase you. leave it be & let nature find its course for them.
i will say this till my dying day...
the greatest love is love for yourself.
insecurities find the best of us & get instilled in the strongest mind set. but find the strength to overcome them. trust me, life is lived better without them.
& also, never apologize for another person's insecurities. its up to them to figure it out. & the problem is not you but its theirs. we all get attacked by a weak mind & dumb down by the people who are full of insecurities but if you are comfortable enough with yourself... it won't phase you. leave it be & let nature find its course for them.
i will say this till my dying day...
the greatest love is love for yourself.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
faith
i went to church this past sunday & i have realized that i haven't been to church in a LONG WHILE. but to be honest, i don't feel all that guilty about it. is that bad? the way i see is it is, why do i have to go to church when i can worship god on my own time. he created this world so why make the church the only place you can repent & give thanks? the world is his church & every meal you have is his eucharist. but regardless of how far i seem to fall from the lord, i always know that he'll be there. & i never question where my faith lies.
but one thing i do need to do is start praying more. i've lost prayer habit. =/ now that, i do feel guilty about. siighh. but yes, when i do feel like i have no direction my faith & god is who i turn to.
if god puts you to it,
he'll get you through it.
amen.
reality sets in.
twenty-one.
seriously? no really, seriously.
first off, let me just say my birthday was AH-MAY-ZING. thank you everyone for being around & making it special. so my extravaganza wasn't exactly how i expected it to be... but i honestly can't complain. at all. here's a quick recap ::
tryst "midnight" - they really do not play cause they did not let me in till midnight. ha! but we pre-gamed @ my suite at the palazzo which i have to say THANK YOU SOY & TO DRE. hooked it up indeed. a handful of tequila shots i must say. then we get to tryst & christian buys me an adios. then in to tryst. SUUUPER FUN. i enjoyed everyone's company well to the extent of my semi soberness. then after everything all i can recall is pretty much nothing. i had a recap from everyone & saw my night thru the many pictures that was taken. which isn't a bad way to bring in your 21st. HOLLER!
lavo "friday/1114" - holler. my dress was so cute. i LOVE it to pieces. ehh, lavo was pretty... whack. haha. but it was still fun for the quick moment i was there. then went up to my suite & drank some more there. thanks for all that came out.
surprise! "saturday" - aww lex tried to suprised me at her pad but ended up at jem's. thanks you mamas! i always enjoy my people's company. love love love ya'll. they hella made me think we were clubbing so i got all dressed up & errythang! my lanta.
emi's girl's night - surprised emi at naked fish. so much fun, a lot of sake shots! but still great company. =] happy birthday mamas!
so all in all... my birthday weekend was surrounded by the best of folks. i thank all of you for being in my life & thank you for making this birthday special. & i thank god for letting me see another year & for giving me all the blessings for the years i have lived. =]
so back to reality.
the fact of the matter still hasn't set in yet but i am slowly accepting the fact i am of REAL legal age. i am offically grown. wow. life really just passes by & with each passing year it passes a little faster each time.
now... it is time to realize my goals, make the apprpriate moves & start taking risks. i want to be able to say "I lived my life" honestly, from here on out.. i am going to fully "live" this life of mine. because life is too short for boundaries, conformity, settling & sympathy. we live our lives & no one else. & although priorities might change, you should always be number 1. always. i see it as not being selfish, but merely understanding that one must think of themself as well as taking care of others.
... so here i am. back to reality. i must stay focused on goals, recognize the path & reach my destinations. BUT promise myself to take the time to stop & smell the roses, admire how beautiful a days is & never fail to recognize sunshine.
here's to being 21 & embracing the beauty of not only getting older BUT wiser.
seriously? no really, seriously.
first off, let me just say my birthday was AH-MAY-ZING. thank you everyone for being around & making it special. so my extravaganza wasn't exactly how i expected it to be... but i honestly can't complain. at all. here's a quick recap ::
tryst "midnight" - they really do not play cause they did not let me in till midnight. ha! but we pre-gamed @ my suite at the palazzo which i have to say THANK YOU SOY & TO DRE. hooked it up indeed. a handful of tequila shots i must say. then we get to tryst & christian buys me an adios. then in to tryst. SUUUPER FUN. i enjoyed everyone's company well to the extent of my semi soberness. then after everything all i can recall is pretty much nothing. i had a recap from everyone & saw my night thru the many pictures that was taken. which isn't a bad way to bring in your 21st. HOLLER!
lavo "friday/1114" - holler. my dress was so cute. i LOVE it to pieces. ehh, lavo was pretty... whack. haha. but it was still fun for the quick moment i was there. then went up to my suite & drank some more there. thanks for all that came out.
surprise! "saturday" - aww lex tried to suprised me at her pad but ended up at jem's. thanks you mamas! i always enjoy my people's company. love love love ya'll. they hella made me think we were clubbing so i got all dressed up & errythang! my lanta.
emi's girl's night - surprised emi at naked fish. so much fun, a lot of sake shots! but still great company. =] happy birthday mamas!
so all in all... my birthday weekend was surrounded by the best of folks. i thank all of you for being in my life & thank you for making this birthday special. & i thank god for letting me see another year & for giving me all the blessings for the years i have lived. =]
so back to reality.
the fact of the matter still hasn't set in yet but i am slowly accepting the fact i am of REAL legal age. i am offically grown. wow. life really just passes by & with each passing year it passes a little faster each time.
now... it is time to realize my goals, make the apprpriate moves & start taking risks. i want to be able to say "I lived my life" honestly, from here on out.. i am going to fully "live" this life of mine. because life is too short for boundaries, conformity, settling & sympathy. we live our lives & no one else. & although priorities might change, you should always be number 1. always. i see it as not being selfish, but merely understanding that one must think of themself as well as taking care of others.
... so here i am. back to reality. i must stay focused on goals, recognize the path & reach my destinations. BUT promise myself to take the time to stop & smell the roses, admire how beautiful a days is & never fail to recognize sunshine.
here's to being 21 & embracing the beauty of not only getting older BUT wiser.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
apology
an apology starts with manning up to one's actions. suck it up & own up.
sometimes an apology is all that is needed to make things better. at times, that's all you can do. but it can't be an apology that is just said to be said. it needs to be sincere & rooted from the heart. & from there, its take it or leave it. which an apology that is genuine is always worth taking but if & only if it is said with the right intent. otherwise it is worthless.
right now, i have realized that an apology is all i really need to hear. also, a recognition that they were at fault as well. the lord says to forgive but i must say it is very difficult to forgive with no apology offered. hmph. -_-
ON ANOTHER NOTE!
MY BIRTHDAY IS IN APPROXIMATELY IN 11.5 HOURS! holler!
going to tryst with the homies & friends but pregame at the palazzo! crackin'. =]
sometimes an apology is all that is needed to make things better. at times, that's all you can do. but it can't be an apology that is just said to be said. it needs to be sincere & rooted from the heart. & from there, its take it or leave it. which an apology that is genuine is always worth taking but if & only if it is said with the right intent. otherwise it is worthless.
right now, i have realized that an apology is all i really need to hear. also, a recognition that they were at fault as well. the lord says to forgive but i must say it is very difficult to forgive with no apology offered. hmph. -_-
ON ANOTHER NOTE!
MY BIRTHDAY IS IN APPROXIMATELY IN 11.5 HOURS! holler!
going to tryst with the homies & friends but pregame at the palazzo! crackin'. =]
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
super galactic beat manipulating
well here are clips from the workshop! yay!
first, KJ GONZALES
i love his style & a BIG fan of his work.
after all this time watching his videos i finally got to take from him!
holllerrr!
i'm on the right. =]
& KJ himself. <3
vinh's class ^_^
super fun. i love this piece!
i'm in the blue & white jacket next to lexi.
vinh's solo
first, KJ GONZALES
i love his style & a BIG fan of his work.
after all this time watching his videos i finally got to take from him!
holllerrr!
i'm on the right. =]
& KJ himself. <3
vinh's class ^_^
super fun. i love this piece!
i'm in the blue & white jacket next to lexi.
vinh's solo
baaaaallin' !!!
Just got done playing ball with mics & some of the rascals & I gotta say it wa fun stuff! Ha. Next time, more drills! & I gotta up my shooting game. Seriously. I suck but I'll get there... just watch. So I guess we making this a monday thing. Which I am down. Anything to stay active & not laying in bed doing a whole lot of nothing! Haha I enjoy basketball. =]
Anyway, before we left mico said I had to make 5 in a row before we leave the courts. & OH MY LANTA. I could NOT! Haha it took forever & a day. It would be like 4 shots then on the 5th, I'd miss! Haha start alll over. Geeeeeeez! -_- haha but I got it eventually. Lol
Anyway my weekend was great. I love my best friend / skic. =] love love love. & SGBM workshop... AH-MAY-ZING! Such an intense challenge. I love kj! & vinh... kyuuute! Lol but his class was dope ish too! =] all in all great weekend.
Well goodnight world I'm tired!
Ps
3 MORE DAYYYSSSS!!!!
Anyway, before we left mico said I had to make 5 in a row before we leave the courts. & OH MY LANTA. I could NOT! Haha it took forever & a day. It would be like 4 shots then on the 5th, I'd miss! Haha start alll over. Geeeeeeez! -_- haha but I got it eventually. Lol
Anyway my weekend was great. I love my best friend / skic. =] love love love. & SGBM workshop... AH-MAY-ZING! Such an intense challenge. I love kj! & vinh... kyuuute! Lol but his class was dope ish too! =] all in all great weekend.
Well goodnight world I'm tired!
Ps
3 MORE DAYYYSSSS!!!!
Thursday, November 06, 2008
change...
Fuels the individual.
My lanta... I'm going to be 21 in 8 DAYS! Jem turned 21 on the 2nd, big booty steph turned on the 4th! Ugh, the babies are FINALLY getting grown. Ha! I was talking to jem about my birthday weekend & mayn oh man I am really getting excited! But I can't help but think back on how young we use to be & only talked about the day we would be turning 21 & HERE IT IS!! Anyway, So here's the tentative agenda:
Thursday -- tryst @ midnight!
Friday -- LAX? Maybe.
Saturday -- COCKTAIL PAARTAY!!! ^_^
Sunday -- body english
... all I can say is... they aint ready.
Anyway... I have been thinking a lot lately. Thinking about where I am in my life, where I want to be, & how I'm going to get there. But really though, after I turn 21 & for the rest of this year up untill the semester starts I am going to be living it up! I'm going to be doing enough partying for the how long. Because once school starts back up... my life will be, school, work, dance & gymlol. & there really won't be time for any extraneous activities. Hm, it kinda sucks but I'll still be seeing the people who matter most to me. They're all that matter anyway.
So here are my first steps... apply for national university, plot out my road to their nursing program, retake classes & raise my gpa @ csn, ALSO minor in some business classes. I've always wanted to take business because of groove & my future plans with dance I need to be business savy. Like I said, I'm a mogule in the making. seriously, watch me. =] but yes definitely more academics in my very near future.
speaking on another change, so yes.. I have been gyming it & watching my diet. & as a result I've dropped some weight. & I gotta say, it feels wonderful. Starting to feel more comfortable in my own skin. Don't get me twisted I have embraced my thickness & I am not ashamed. But now-a-days I'm thick & getting right & tight. But trust more work to be done. Ha. Only down fall... my boobs are getting smaller. -_- poop. Its okay its time my girls get smaller. Lol I'm a bit tired of the attention I get because of them. Tired of niggas staring at my boobs when they talk to me. Ha anyway... a slimmer daffi is yet to come! & once I get there its off to get a gogo night job! Now that I'll be 21 I can, Ughh son!
ALSO, yay for change for america. =] I really was not into the election, but I am just glad that a change is to come. Show me what u got obama.
Ughh, trouble sleeping once again. Blog more laaaterz, even tho I've already wrote a novel. Lol niiiiight!
My lanta... I'm going to be 21 in 8 DAYS! Jem turned 21 on the 2nd, big booty steph turned on the 4th! Ugh, the babies are FINALLY getting grown. Ha! I was talking to jem about my birthday weekend & mayn oh man I am really getting excited! But I can't help but think back on how young we use to be & only talked about the day we would be turning 21 & HERE IT IS!! Anyway, So here's the tentative agenda:
Thursday -- tryst @ midnight!
Friday -- LAX? Maybe.
Saturday -- COCKTAIL PAARTAY!!! ^_^
Sunday -- body english
... all I can say is... they aint ready.
Anyway... I have been thinking a lot lately. Thinking about where I am in my life, where I want to be, & how I'm going to get there. But really though, after I turn 21 & for the rest of this year up untill the semester starts I am going to be living it up! I'm going to be doing enough partying for the how long. Because once school starts back up... my life will be, school, work, dance & gymlol. & there really won't be time for any extraneous activities. Hm, it kinda sucks but I'll still be seeing the people who matter most to me. They're all that matter anyway.
So here are my first steps... apply for national university, plot out my road to their nursing program, retake classes & raise my gpa @ csn, ALSO minor in some business classes. I've always wanted to take business because of groove & my future plans with dance I need to be business savy. Like I said, I'm a mogule in the making. seriously, watch me. =] but yes definitely more academics in my very near future.
speaking on another change, so yes.. I have been gyming it & watching my diet. & as a result I've dropped some weight. & I gotta say, it feels wonderful. Starting to feel more comfortable in my own skin. Don't get me twisted I have embraced my thickness & I am not ashamed. But now-a-days I'm thick & getting right & tight. But trust more work to be done. Ha. Only down fall... my boobs are getting smaller. -_- poop. Its okay its time my girls get smaller. Lol I'm a bit tired of the attention I get because of them. Tired of niggas staring at my boobs when they talk to me. Ha anyway... a slimmer daffi is yet to come! & once I get there its off to get a gogo night job! Now that I'll be 21 I can, Ughh son!
ALSO, yay for change for america. =] I really was not into the election, but I am just glad that a change is to come. Show me what u got obama.
Ughh, trouble sleeping once again. Blog more laaaterz, even tho I've already wrote a novel. Lol niiiiight!
Tuesday, November 04, 2008
10 days
damn this countdown is drawing near!!
so still trying to find a suite for the weekend.
party planning with lexx <3 yay!! ^_^ love you skic!
this weekend, gonna be mia. i need time to collect myself for the following weekend. because trust me, i will need it. also on the agenda... maybe a girls night with my lovelies kim, april, kc & sami. <3 how i miss those chickas. highschool, how i miss it. && party supplies / party planning with skic for sure.
can't wait!
so still trying to find a suite for the weekend.
party planning with lexx <3 yay!! ^_^ love you skic!
this weekend, gonna be mia. i need time to collect myself for the following weekend. because trust me, i will need it. also on the agenda... maybe a girls night with my lovelies kim, april, kc & sami. <3 how i miss those chickas. highschool, how i miss it. && party supplies / party planning with skic for sure.
can't wait!
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